Plus: two political leaders at the same club game, a very long-term suspension and extremely quick equalisers

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“Oli McBurnie is back in the Scotland squad,” noted John Cant last week. “With his record of 16 appearances [now 20] and zero goals, he said in a recent interview, ‘a tap-in on Saturday or one that goes in off my backside would be lovely’. The backside comes up often when players talk of breaking a goal drought – but has it ever actually happened?”

We dreamed of a perfect answer to this question: a usually prolific striker enduring a barren run that ends when an errant clearance ricochets off their derriere and dribbles over the line at 0.00001mph. Alas, no such examples were forthcoming – but all backside goals have a certain earthy charm, so let’s get stuck in.

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